In my last post, written in late October, I was contemplating the last six months of my year off and feeling pretty good. Three months later, I would be in full blown panic mode trying to find work and abandoning my dream of starting a business. What the heck happened?
The discomfort of no security
I believe that most of us have subconscious desires in our minds that we may not even be aware of. These desires have been planted there over the course of our lives and affect the way we behave today. In my case, I openly wanted the last three months of my year off to be devoted to finding work as a business owner, as an entrepreneur, as a free man! However, what I didn’t realize was that I have this deep rooted desire to provide economic stability to myself and my family. In other words, I think I’m more risk averse than I thought.
When I think about this, it makes sense. It took some big risks in my life before. I started a coffee shop and my wife started a maternity clothing store. But back then, we didn’t have much to lose, and we had family nearby to support us. Nowadays, we provide support and security to our kids and we have much more to lose.
There is a well known concept in the field of behavioral economics. People fear loss more than they desire gains. For example, most people would avoid playing a heads or tails game where they would have a 50% chance of losing $100 and a 50% chance of winning $100 for each coin toss. The risk of loss resonates much stronger within us than the desire to win something of equal value.
I believe that something similar is going on in my head. When I was young, with no savings, I had nothing to lose, so the desire to gain something out of creating a business was stronger. Today, however, I acutely feel the risk aversion to losing my savings, even though the potential for growth is even greater!
From worry to panic
As we reached the end of December I started getting worried about the end of my gap year. The prospect of starting my own business seemed daunting. I started questioning my abilities. Am I the right person to do this? There are so many skills I’m lacking! Do I even know how to let the world know I exist?
I started reading books about consulting and freelancing, but nothing I was reading was giving me the nice tingly feeling that makes me think I’m making the right choice.
I kept telling myself that my year off would end in May, that I still had plenty of time. But there’s something special about the turn of the year. 2025 rolled around and I had arrived to the year where my gap year would end. I started feeling the pressure of needing to find how I’d end my gap year.
Then, in February, even more pressure was added as the US imposed tariffs on the whole world. I watched in horror while I felt like the economy would sour real quick. Oh no! Who would want to start a business in this environment?
I panicked.
Jumping on my computer, I wrote a message on LinkedIn and sent out a few text messages to people in my network. A few days later, I took the first job that was offered to me. I became a software developer on a high end team working on micro-services using Ruby on Rails and an evented architecture.
I’m glad I took the job. It showed me that I can still operate at a high level as a software developer and I learned a lot! However, taking that position was not aligned with what I really wanted to do and I have decided to leave the team.
Be comfortable with being uncomfortable
I learned a lot while working on that team. The team has this mantra: “Be comfortable with being uncomfortable.” They reinforced this regularly due to the team culture and work process being very much outside the traditional norms of other software teams. Work was sometimes uncomfortable, for various reasons that I won’t dive into here. However, this mantra is something that I’m now taking with me and will serve me well as I work towards building a better future for myself, whatever that looks like.
Not having a secured source of income is stressful. Having to get out into the world and sell myself or find the right fit, whether building a product or the right job that aligns with me, is not pleasant to me. Not knowing what my next step should be is not pleasant either. In fact, it makes me freeze in my tracks like a deer in the headlights.
I need to embrace this feeling and be comfortable living with it on a daily basis. I need to let it drive me and motivate me. Otherwise, I’ll panic again and give up. I have time. I can do this!
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